from empty to full

Isn't is strange how a day can work you into a state of despair, cynicism and boredom, just to twirl you around and fill you with hope, gratitude and joy? Perhaps those kinds of days don't happen often, but that's exactly how I would describe mine today.

It was the 2nd of two days off from work, so one might expect that I would be savoring the freedom to sleep in and do whatever I felt like doing. I woke up while Jon was getting ready for work, and not having any plans for the day, I sat motionless in bed, staring at the mostly bare walls and the pile of clothes I'd allowed to form, and just thought, "This sucks." My thoughts are terribly eloquent in those early morning hours.

Over my Pleasant Morning Buzz coffee, I started to try to figure out how I could bring in an extra couple of thousand bucks so I could buy the piano I've recently been seduced by. I spent a good hour looking at free items on craigslist, thinking that I could find things that I could fix up and sell. The problem with most of the items listed though, is that they are huge. I have a Jetta. This is a problem. So I began to think about getting a second job. My honest self told me, "But I don't WANT another job. It's good to have plenty of time to do things that are important and good for my heart." It was then that I started to realize that I was again trying to take my financial problems into my own hands, thinking that I could solve them with my own efforts. My very patient God heard an anxious voice say, "I don't want to spend any more time on the internet trying to figure this out. I'm asking for your help, and for your favor in this pursuit of a piano."

Most of my afternoon was spent wandering around the house. . . doing a bit of laundry, singing & playing the guitar, reading, singing some more until my throat hurt (these new Speech Level Singing exercises are brutal!), staring out the window . . .
"I was not made for this! I can't take much more sitting around inside this house," I thought. What a shitty day.

Then the phone rang. It was my boss, Jen. She offered me a whole lot of extra hours for this month's schedule. Hmmm. . This means more money in the bank. A while later, I found myself brooding over a new thought: It is good that I am not satisfied with being a homebody. My heart is pulling me in the direction I need to go --- OUT! This is a good thing. Then I opened the front door and looked down onto the porch. There was a package lying there with my name on it. What the?? I opened it up and found a gorgeous ring from my dear friend Holli. I shouted and scared the cat.

I wish I would stop forgetting that someone is looking out for me and wants me to have a good life. He wants to be seen, but he also wants to be looked for. He wants me to release my fears, anxiety and even boredom to him. I am not alone or unloved. And he's doing something here. I want to believe that's true.





Thanks, Holli