i'm still here... sort of.

In the book I'm reading, the author wrote of the years he waited for a wife, "Now that I look back, it seems to me that in all that deep darkness a miracle was preparing. So I am right to remember it as a blessed time, and myself as waiting in confidence, even if I had no idea what I was waiting for." I've been waiting an awful lot these days, for a number of things. This author implies that what he was waiting for would be divinely given, and that even the time he waited for it was somehow part of a plan of sorts. There was a day not too long ago when I would have absolutely agreed with this idea. But if I'm honest with myself, I really don't know how much divine influence pushes us along, holds us back, or brings new things into view. I was watching the newest U2 concert DVD last night, and during one of the songs, a phrase appeared on the huge backdrop behind the band. It said, "Everything you know is wrong." On some level, I have to admit that I believe there's a lot of truth in that statement. I am elbow-deep in questions about what I thought I knew about God, relationships, ideals . . . It's one of the reasons I haven't been writing on my blog. I have so many questions and random thoughts darting in and out of my mind. When I consider writing an entire entry about one thought, it feels overwhelming, and I throw in the towel before I've even attempted to work through my scatteredness.

Today I realized that it's better to even post those random thoughts than to continue to neglect my writing. But of course, now I can't even remember what any of those thoughts were.

Oh wait -- here's one: I am so thankful to have a husband who surprises me so well. I came home to find a keyboard in the living room the other night. Been playing it ever since. These fingers are a bit rusty, but they loosen up quickly.