A few days ago, I was planning on writing about the idea that we are capable of more than we think we are. It was something I was learning in my own life, and thought it would be an encouraging thing to put out there. But my confidence started to give way, and my mind was taken over by an army of all-encompassing negative thoughts. It was very unsettling, to say the least. Who let these guys in? I don't know how to defend myself against thoughts I at least partially buy into. I found myself wanting to push them all out of the way, but at the same time, turning my ear and allowing myself to look for evidence of truth in these self-defeating words. How easy that was was even more unsettling. I really DO feel that I have wasted much of my life. It DOES seem like the mistakes I have made and missteps I have taken could reach around the world and back. I DO feel hopelessly stuck in an unstimulating, unfulfilling life, and I have no idea where to go from here.
I want to do more than just survive from day to day. There is an unignorable urge in me to be out in the world, affecting and influencing people on a larger scale than just a handful of co-workers. I know that's the direction in which I need to go, but today I am just spinning around, batting at these terrible thoughts, unable to take another step in any direction.
This photo doesn't go well with what I wrote, but I'm going to use it anyway.
1 comment:
Serah, I can't tell you how excited I am to have found your blog!
You've been on my mind so much lately, and I found an old picture you sent me from your trip to Africa. I wrote about you tonight and then decided to google your name, half expecting failure. I almost jumped out of my seat when I found your blog among the other Sarah Ziebarths listed. I thought to myself, how many other girls are midwestern transplants in cali with the name of Sarah Ziebarth?
I have such good memories of our friendship and I just wanted you to know what an impact you made on my life!
I love you dear friend.
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